The Boob Thief

I have rotten luck...seriously I do.  Before you have a surgery or procedure or chemo or whatever they always tell you a bunch of things that "might" happen.  They then tell you that those things do not happen very often.  I am the girl that these things happen to.  I am the  0.1 %.
Here are some of them:
- bilateral pulmonary embolism from my port or chemo (not sure which one...I am a mystery or so says my oncologist)
- SVT and heart problems from chemo
- Expander infected and needed to be swapped out, giving me an extra surgery and more time as the one boob wonder....also getting MRSA
- I kept getting holes in my boobs that would leak for months
- my drain sites would get infected and painful
- some of my drain sites would NOT heal
AND now my latest and greatest set back......

 I will call this fun story in my life, "The Boob Thief".

So I went in for a routine check-up with my plastic surgeon's PA on Tuesday (my plastic surgeon just had a baby and is on maternity leave).  The day before I had noticed a little scab/sore on my scar line on my right breast that was leaking a tiny bit.  I thought, oh great another leaky boob....but no big deal, been there done that.  I was thankful I had an appointment the next day, but I thought it was seriously, NOT a big deal at all. Jason the PA took the bandage off the wound and  he got the saddest/upset face I had ever seen (he is a super friendly, happy guy)...He couldn't even speak for a minute (probably only 20 seconds, but it seemed like forever---like time was frozen)...He told me the thing I though was a scab was actually my implant.  It was exposed and MUST come out.

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then it got even better....He got a mirror to show me the problem.  Just since the morning my scar was all stretched out and the hole was WAY BIGGER....crazy how much change had happened in 4 hours.  He told me that it would get worse.  He also told me to call or go to the er if I thought it was bad enough that my implant was going to fall out....really?  Implants fall out??? Apparently, they do.   I asked why this was happening and he said it was most likely and infection and my DUMB, STUPID luck.  Then, he dropped the most special news on me.....The implant was going out and most likely NOT being replaced for 3 months.  I would be the ONE BOOB WONDER again.

I had just started feeling better again...My boobs were healing and not hurting as much.....I had just bought my first new swimsuit that would fit my new small perky boobs two hours earlier as a early birthday present to myself....I was planning a fun sit by the pool and drink fruity drinks trip to San Diego with my sister in the beginning of May.....I was moving on with my life, with my new cancer-free body. (my MRI scan two weeks ago was clear of cancer....pretty rad)

Next, he took some pictures to show the surgeon because all of the surgeons were in surgery at the time.  He told me I most likely would have surgery within the next week....but hopefully Friday.  He told me he would get back with me in a few hours after talking with the surgeon.

So I started driving home, had a good little cry in the car, and 30 minutes later the scheduler called me and told me the surgeon said I must have surgery right away and he was going to squeeze me into his surgery schedule for tomorrow!!  WOW!!!  TOMORROW...Wednesday....yikes.

So we got our lives rearranged, got grandma to come, (thank you...thank you..thank you - she has saved us so many times), and headed out for surgery the next day.

I went to the surgical center down the hill from OHSU....oh man it was plush when compared to the hospital. I met with my new surgeon for the first time and he said there was a 99% chance a low-grade festering infection was causing this.  He said he could put a new implant in today, BUT I would be back in two months with the same problem.  They must take the implant out, put a drain in, collapse the space, and KILL, KILL, KILL the nasty microorganisms that are causing this.    Then in three months I will have surgery again to put an expander in......WAIT!!  SHUT UP!!!  STOP!!!  Expander, not implant??????   I have to do an expander again??  I had been trying to come to terms with my new reality of being lopsided until June....but now he is telling me it might be longer....oh crap.  He told me they "might" be able to put an implant in, but the more common scenario was an expander....inflate the space over a few months, then another surgery to put a new implant in.  This means THREE bonus surgeries.

STUPID BOOBS...STUPID BOOBS...STUPID BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I care???  But, I do care..... I have so many deformed and crippled things about me that I have no control over...This problem can be fixed and I want them fixed.  I know lots of women that have chosen to not do reconstructive surgery and I totally respect this choice, but that choice is not for me.  I want boobs....even if I have to deal with all this garbage and set-backs. 

At this rate this ordeal that they said usually lasts a year will last over 2 years for me....

This surgery that happened yesterday is surgery #18 for me.  It is the 6th surgery since this ordeal began in August 2012.

So the surgery went well. He said the tissue surrounding the implant was VERY infected and that we had made the right choice taking the implant out and not replacing it.  He stole my boob.  The surgery was only about 20-30 minutes long with little to no time in recovery because they just used heavy sedation instead of anesthesia.  It was pretty cool.  I have little to no pain....but I have a drain.  If you are a regular reader of my blog you know my feelings on drains.  I HATE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART....THEY ARE THE DEVIL.

They sent me home...I stopped and got a ginourmous veggie burrito from Chipolte on the way home (so strange being able to eat right after surgery and not feel sick).  Even though I am not in pain, I am supposed to take it easy, rest and relax until the drain comes out.  

Last night as I changed into my pjs and was emptying my drain I snuck a peek at my deflated boob.  It LITERALLY looks like a deflated balloon. It looks simply awfuland super deformed. It makes me incredibly sad. I haven't changed or taken a shower today because I do not want to see my deflated chest again.  I look down at my body right now and I feel a sense of loss. I do NOT want to deal with this, but I must.  I am trying to be positive, but I am allowing myself to mourn my set-back a little.

So this morning I was on facebook checking things out when I was reminded once again that my problems are small and I need to chill out.

- 1.2 billion people on earth live in extreme poverty

- 2.6 million children die every year due to hunger related causes

- 8 million people die each year from cancer

- There are people dealing with war, death, hunger, rape, human trafficking, paralysis, terminal diseases, childhood cancer, depression, loneliness, homelessness, etc....etc.... in this world.  I am blessed.  My problems are small.  I am grateful for my life and all the good things in my life.

So here I am...THE ONE BOOB WONDER again....I promise to get back to my positive self as soon as possible.  I do have to point out that since I had a reduction on my left breast I am not as lopsided as last time...so it will not be so awkward or difficult.  That is a positive in this storm of negativity.
 Also in 6 days I will be 43 years young.  Last year for my birthday I got chemo, this year I get a deflated boob and a drain.  Happy birthday to ME!!!
Until then, I am accepting gifts of chocolate  for my birthday or just because you love me :)

P.S.  ******I also want to point out that my husband needs to start saving $$ to take me on a Hawaiian or other tropical island trip once all this garbage is over and done with.  I want to lay on a beach and drink fruity drinks with my small perky boobs that I will get someday...

FUNK

I had my last major reconstruction surgery on my breasts 6 weeks ago.  The surgery went well and I am the proud owner of 2 NORMAL sized breasts.  There are still a few minor adjustments to make and a few things that aren't going normally, but HELLO my ridiculously big boobs are OLD NEWS...GONE...DEAD!!!  I know, some of you think I am weird (Look how many people go under the knife for bigger boobs), but if you have ginourmous boobs you can understand my joy that they are gone. I don't even need to wear a bra......so AWESOME!!! I look SO MUCH THINNER...I  look long and lean and lovely (I know I am conceited..but I can't help it if I am beautiful....ha..ha..ha).  So you would think, "Wow, Gina I bet life is grand now."
That is my problem and I have to keep it real.....I have been in a major FUNK.  It took so much longer to recover from this surgery than I thought it would.  I remember the 1st few days I wouldn't leave my bed or move for fear of it hurting too much.  I have had way more painful surgeries, but it seems that as soon as one pain stops a new one develops.  I know this is normal, but I want to be done with the pain.  It isn't severe pain anymore, but it is enough to make me grumpy and on edge.
I was so blessed that my mom came out to take over mommy duties for me for 5 weeks.  I thought I only needed her for a couple of weeks...boy was I wrong.  She saved me.  She loved my kids, made yummy food, put up with my grumpy self, kept my home spic n' span, and cleaned out and organized all our closets and drawers.....and so much more.  She is wonderful, I love her.
So I am blessed, I know this....BUT....I still feel frustrated and sad.  I know some of it is seasonal blues (it is gray and rainy where I live ALL THE TIME), but I have been pondering a LOT and I think my funk is due to these THREE things:
1.  I keep getting sick....seriously it is ridiculous.  All the nasty bugs seek me out.
2.  I have been BEAT down for a YEAR and a HALF and I really do feel weak; both mentally, physically, and spirtually.  I have had so much CRAP happen that I am just so tired and exhausted and a little angry.
3.  I feel like I don't have the strength to get my strength back.  I am so weak.  My physical strength is ZERO...actually negative 1000.  This is the lowest point I have ever been in my life as far as physical strength and fitness. I have been forced to lay around so much that my muscles are so atrophied. Then you add the fact that I also have severe arthritis and scolosis into the mix and I am in a world of hurt.  So as my pain from my surgeries subsides and I slowly try to do some housework or be more active, I am in severe pain due to my stupid back and hip.  Seriously, it is awful.  Yesterday afternoon I went grocery shopping and cooked a very simple dinner.  When dinner was complete I could barely walk and I proceeded to lay on the floor to cry, feel sorry for myself and to try to straighten out my back.  I get completely out of breath going up or down the stairs in my home.  I am constantly having hot flashes and a racing heart....oh my.  What I am trying to say is...it is going to be hard enough to get my strength back without my arthritis and other medical ailments messing everything up.

So I have been laying around, depressed, feeling sorry for myself, being grumpy, being weak.  Basically, being the kind of person I DO NOT LIKE.  I hate complainers....seriously, I do.  I have turned into the type of person I think is ridiculous.  Oh boo-hoo, I have problems....everybody feel sorry for me, my life is sooooo hard.   <---- lame="" p="">

I am to this point.

SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

I think I am finally ready to do something about it

1.  First of all, I need to remember HELLO....You beat cancer AGAIN!! That is amazing and I need to remember I am one of the lucky ones.

2.  I need to remember all my advice from my graduation speech I gave last June.  

SEE SUMMARY BELOW

****REMEMBER THE KEYS TO AWESOMENESS:

1.       Learn to love yourself – You are made of 100% pure awesomeness – Be yourself, It’s awesome.

2.       Choose your attitude – When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

3.       YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS….this is what awesome looks like

4.       GIVE BACK – Kindness matters.  Fill other people’s buckets full of awesome sauce

So in the wise words from someone on the internet, remember “Anyone can be cool, but awesome takes practice”

You have to practice these things…… You don’t become awesome overnight.  You will make MANY mistakes and have oh so many setbacks.

But, as you practice these things you will truly be full of awesomeness…..You will radiate Awesomeness…..People will want to be around you  - you will be a force for all that is good in this world….and that is what I want for you more than anything.

OH MY GOODNESS....if I gave this speech and truly believe what I said what in the world am I doing???  I want to go back to being full of awesomeness.  I want to radiate awesomeness again.

I am just having a really BIG set-back.  I need to get back on track.

So starting today I am taking some small steps to reclaiming my life and my body.  I need to...I have to..I want to.  Even though it is going to be so very tough and painful.  It will be worth it....right?

I put the things I am going to do here on the internet to try to hold me more accountable.

So here is my small plan (baby steps):

- Make a doctor's appointment - start physical therapy

- Go on a walk every day, rain or shine

- Focus on my kids...be their mom again...have fun with them...be present

- Do something I enjoy every day 

- Get at least 7-8 hours of sleep each day
-make healthier food choices

- Choose a good attitude
- Push myself, but DO NOT overdo it!!!

Wish me luck...

Love, 

The Two Boob Wonder (no more One Boob Wonder or 1.5 Boob Wonder)