I have had the worst sleeplessness ever since I got home from San Diego a week ago. I just keep blaming it on overdoing it, but it still wasn't going away after a week. Today two of my favorite hospice ladies came over to help me problem solve. So we changed some medications strengths and times I am taking them. Wish me luck. I literally have been asleep the past week and it is getting really old, really fast. I have things I need and want to do. I am really afraid I am running out of time.
I need to:
- Record all my Story Corps (stories of my life)
- Create, arrange, buy presents for my kids and husband in the future
- Make a list of the songs that will go along with my slideshow that will be shown at my wake
- Pick my funeral songs
- Final Honey-Do List :)
- Finish a few ideas I want done at my funeral
It is so weird to help plan your own funeral!!!!!!! We have bought our burial plot and designed the headstone. I think my hubby ordered my casket online (i need to check this out and give approval). I want a cheap one, but not so cheap I look like a hillbilly.
BUT, then here is the most important thing. I really want to accomplish the above list BUT,BUT,BUT,BUT.......I MUST spend as much quality time with the family as possible too. So trying to balance this when you are super sleepy has been a big challenge.
We are meeting up with my sister Michelle & Ed and their 6 kids AND my brother Scott and Mitchell and their 5 kids AND my mom AND Corey's mom next Monday. (Lance's family will be missing and I am not too happy about that) We rented a really cool cabin Monday-Thursday up in Kalispell, Whitefish, and Glacier National Park. Hopefully my strength will hold out for us to create some fabulous memories in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Tonight Corey & I decided that was too short of a trip so we booked a hotel room in Whitefish starting a few days earlier so we can have some mellow family time before it gets too crazy.
I just don't know how I can survive without my family. How does one do that? I don't think I can. Then I get selfish and think how can they do it without me? We think Carlie is going through another growth spurt (she is 11 and is 6'0"), She is now growing again....aaaaargh! She needs her mommy to take her shopping, especially for jeans. I am frightened what her dad will pick out. It is hard enough to buy cool, age-appropriate, somewhat modest clothing for a girl that age, BUT an awkward 6 foot plus size 13 women shoe girl......OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!! Who is going to help my kiddos navigate making friends and making good choices in these friends. Don't get me wrong Corey is an excellent parent, BUT being a mommy and daddy and a recent widow has got to be an insanely hard thing to do.
Well, it is getting super late and I must get a little sleep and take some more pain meds. Thanks for listening to my little feel sorry for myself rant.
Love you my peeps,
Gina the Awesome
You are so amazing! NOT selfish... AMAZING! Your faith will allow you to do the things you want and need to accomplish before leaving this earth. I know your husband will have the support he needs for himself and for your daughter. You are loved so much and all these wonderful people in your life will be there to help... Focus on family time and being comfortable. I wish I could take it all away from you. Your truly are Gina The Awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteJust an idea, when you can't sleep at night, plan your funeral and get some of your list done then. That way during the day, you can spend quality time with family.
ReplyDeleteAs for your daughter, I'm sure that when you are no longer here that friends and relatives can step in to help her buy appropriate clothing. Think of someone your daughter feels close to and ask them to be in charge of clothing. Then tell your daughter that anytime she needs clothes to call this person to help her. When my oldest was younger, I gave her God mom money to take her shopping and get the things she needed because we clashed over what was appropriate and her God mom got her to buy the right clothes somehow.
You are so AWESOME Gina and I'm always amazed at how strong you are.
Gina one of the first things I thought of when I was asked to be the Beehive advisor last week was that I'll be in that calling when Carlie comes in in September! I promise to make sure her shoes are cute, and that she has some KICK BUTT cute jeans that fit her perfectly!!!!! Even if we have to stalk the internet because our shopping options are somewhat limited here! HA! :D Love you guys, and we pray for you and your family every night!
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how happy I was when I found out you would be her advisor. Perfect match. She needs you :)
DeleteGina, my long post has disappeared somewhere in cyberspace. So I'll try once more. Although just posting isn't really the right place for my feelings. I need to thank you. Thank you for not only your positive, uplifting attitude - ALWAYS. Through every difficult thing. But thank you for your candid feelings. Thank you for sharing with us who are watching your comments so closely. Because we love you so much. You know, I went through this with my dad five years ago now. I see pictures of him all these years later and I can't relate to what I'm looking at. We were in denial. All of us. It was a difficult transition. Sacred, yes. But difficult. As I read your blog posts, tears do fall. It's sad. Yes it is. But you have accomplished something beyond that. You have made ME feel ever so much better about this journey we know so little about. This journey we call death. You bite it off, piece by doable piece. And we take it with you. One step at a time. You make it feel so doable. Tackeling one part at a time. Finding ways to accept and accomplish. And it has done so much for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will forever think of you. You are my hero in ways that are difficult to describe. You probably don't think you know me well. But I've known your family for a long time now. Thank you for giving me peace and comfort for something we all must experience. You truly are amazing!!! You will never know what you've done for me. Thank you so so very much. And best to you on your journey. Your amazing journey.
ReplyDeleteDitto to what Kathy said about your amazing candidness. I appreciate all of your honest sharing through this round and the last round. It has made me a more compassionate person.
ReplyDeleteAnd, hillbilly casket? You crack me up! I laughed out loud.
Embrace your inner hillbilly! Stay awesome!
ReplyDeleteYou are a singular sensation, Gina. I just adore you. I am speechless at your to-do list. I have told Michael for years how I want my funeral down to the smallest detail, including a guitar, but to actually plan it, wow. I love you so much and my heart and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI am desperately trying to figure out a way to get to Missoula asap. I have to....MUST meet my Jamberry sister/hero/mentor and friend. Don't worry about Carlie and jeans, she has Rebecca & Leah. Yes she needs mom, but HF has placed the very best angels by your family. You are loved and needed so much. A great woman gone too soon that eulogy be greatly missed!
ReplyDeleteWill be greatly missed. Auto correct eulogy. Priceless
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