THIS IS IT

I got my test results yesterday.  I was going to post yesterday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.   So here it is.  I just can't bear to leave anyone in suspense for one more minute.

The results were as bad as they could get...pretty much.  I could give you lots and lots of details (and I probably will over the next few days), but I think these two pictures sum it up better than anything and might be as much as I can emotionally give at this moment.

APRIL 2016                                                         JUNE 2016











         





All the dark spots are METS (tumors).  The darker the spot the more intense the tumor.  You can ignore the brain, bladder, and kidneys (they will show up as black spots no matter what).

The cancer has grown so rapidly and there are so many HUGE tumors that let's just say the end is near.  Look at the GINORMOUS tumor at the base of my skull.  2 days after I had a surgical procedure on my heart - an SVT ablation (June 4th) my chin went numb and has stayed numb.  This is why my doctor also ordered a brain MRI.  She thinks that tumor at the base of my skull caused the numbness.  I guess one piece of good news is the cancer has NOT spread to my brain yet.  At least I have that!  This is where it likes to go after it has invaded your liver and lungs.  As you can see my liver is more tumor than liver.  Looking at these scans does help my understand some of the ridiculous pain I have been in the past month or two.  I get such bad pain in my arms and legs sometimes that all I can do is cry & wail & moan so loud I am positive the neighbors can hear me and think someone is beating me.  Recently even my liver area and rib area have become crazy painful - I could go on and on and on so basically.......my whole entire body hurts.   I am officially invaded.  We had to up my pain dosage again.  I am on a 50 mcg/hr. of Fentanyl. Just a few months ago I was on 12mcg of Fentanyl.

Friday was basically my last appointment with my oncologist unless I change my mind about treatment.  The cancer is so advanced and my body so weakened that there is not much she can do.  All it took was one look at that scan and I knew this was my wakeup call to worry about my comfort and not treatment.  She did not give me a set amount of time I have left, but in order to qualify for hospice she has to say it is 6 months or less.  I didn't ask her.  I guess I didn't want to know.  But, she was for the option of no more treatment.  She said there wasn't one that she thought would work.

I am not dealing with the emotional side of this very well.  I have made some big goals about how I am going to live what little life I have left, but I just can't adequeately articulate that quite yet.
I got up this morning and took a little trip to Krispie Kreme with Berkeley and to a groovy used book store to get some Father's Day presents.  Yes, I drove myself.  Hooray for me.  Then the hospice lady came this morning and finished setting up care for me.  I don't need much from them yet, but we are ready to go for when that time comes.  She also brought me a wheelchair.  I want to be able to get out of the house and live as normally as possible for as long as possible so I NEED the wheelchair.  She brought this tiny, skinny wheelchair for me....totally funny.  She looked at my weight and obviously not my height and figured I was pretty petite. HILARIOUS!!!!!  This kinda let you know though how skinny I am (too skinny).  I can't walk very far or exert myself too much without a lot of pain. After the hospice lady left I made everyone get ready and go on an outing with me.  It was fun.  Went to a little small town Historical Day celebration and ate a bunch of yummy food truck yummies and then went and watched some cool Native American performances.  I tried really hard to choose happy and enjoy my family and not get grumpy.  I think I deserve an A+++ considering especially I did not sleep one wink last night.

Anyways, this is the news, this is it.  Time to deal.

Peace out,

Gina the Awesome (I really need a new nickname)