Is This the Last Time?

Today's blog post might be short even though I have a lot to say.  I am exhausted.  I only got a couple hours of sleep the night before and I have had a busy day today (well busy for my failing body).

I have being thinking a lot lately about how I am doing some things for the very last time.  For example, I most likely celebrated Berkeley's birthday with him for the very last time.  That this is probably my last summer on earth.

Today it really struck me big time at Carlie's orchestra concert.   Carlie is entering the 6th grade this fall.  She started orchestra this past year in the 5th grade.  I have been amazed at how quickly she has picked this skill up and I really feel that she has found one of her great talents and passions for her life.  I brings me such joy to watch the joy it brings her to play.   Probably one of the neatest things for her is when she is upset or stressed out she will go to her room and play and play until she feels better.  What a wonderful way to be able to manage stress in life.  She also is amazing at memorizing the songs.  Another super amazing thing is she is never afraid to try out for a solo.  This girl has no fear in her violin stylings :)

Anyways the first two weeks after school got out she attended a Orchestra Camp held by the school district.  Her teachers for the camps were her old teacher and her teacher for next year.  Her teacher for next year is super talented and super cute.  Those girlies are going to be so in love with him.  I was so impressed with all they learned in a two week period.  They play all the classic type strings songs, but they also play really cool rock music, etc.  The teacher broke out his drums and they played a Cold Play song and it sounded fabulous.  I am so excited for her and this opportunity.  SO MUCH FUN.  I need to get her going on private lessons ASAP.

Here is her "impromptu solo".  I was so proud.

So back to what really struck me.  This might be the very last concert I get to see my baby girl perform in.  I was watching the concert, videoing, and taking pictures, grinning ear to ear as I listened to her solo (of course she was a soloist) and the main thing I found myself having to do is keep from crying.  If anyone was watching my face they probably thought I belonging in an insane asylum.  I got glimpses of her all grown up in high school in advanced orchestras, kicking some butt.
Sao I have this problem (I guess it is a problem) that everything thing we do and say I am going to be thinking that this could be my last time I am with my kids on the first day of school OR even was last year the last time.
I am not ready to give up all the aspects of being with my kids as they grow up.  At least with Carlie I am started to see her discover her talents and see some possible directions for her.  The heartbreaking thing is Berkeley is only 8.  I have no idea where he is going.  He is just an adorable, difficult, little tornado, bursting with energy.  He needs me to help channel this energy into positive directions.
My kiddos are my life.  I can't imagine not being around, but I am going to have to come to terms with it.  Not sure how, but I will be forced into it one way or another.

Peace out!
Gina the Awesome

Sister Surprises, Hospice, Concert, & Swimming....Keeping Busy

I am going to start of by saying, "I AM EXHAUSTED!"  My body is killing me.  I say this because I know that after you read what I have been up to you are going to think I am Wonder Woman (well I kinda am, but that is because of my smoking' hot bod and & amazing acting skills).  But, Wonder Woman with super energy and strength - no way.  But, I am doing the best I can.
     My sister just decided to drive up Tuesday morning (yesterday) for a surprise visit (8 hour drive & she has 6 kids that she had to arrange care for to leave them behind - ok....she is the real Super Woman.)  Anyways, she shows up and takes me and my two Missoula buddies to the Phillip Phillips, Matt Nathanson, and Eric Hutchinson.  I really wasn't that excited to see these guys - didn't know their music.  Come on, an American Idol winner, how cheesy.   We will just forget that I watched American Ido religiously the first 8 or so seasons.  DOn't tell anyone!   BUT,  I was excited to go see some live music with some of my favorite people.  I am all about live music and some jamming.  WOW, was I pleasantly surprised.  All three of them were AMAZING & let's just say easy on the eyes (that never hurts).  The best part is my favorite was the opener Eric Hutchinson (still love me the unknown).  He had such a groove and vibe to him.  Then Matt Nathanson was hilarious....such amazing rapport with the audience.  And HELLO they played a tribute to Prince so I had to dance & then they kept playing rad songs so therefore I had to dance some more.  I kept my super sweet stylings mellow though so I wouldn't hurt myself.  Then, gee whiz the American Idol kid.  Dang it I have to admit that boy can rock it and has some serious song writing skills. I even found a song that must be played at my wake.  yeah I know mormons don't really have wakes, but this girl is.  There must be a party with delicious food, laughing, and music - OR ELSE!!! 

 

 



 

 

Today I met with some of my adorable hospice team and the chaplain (can't call him adorable, but he was extremely nice and insightful).  They have me set up with a 2 wheelchairs, NEW sleeping medicine, higher pain patch dosage plan, told me my oncologist (I LOVE her) wants to stay involved in my medical care as much as possible, a better pharmacy that DELIVERS!.....etc....etc.....etc....  We also told them how we (my sister....girl crew) wanted to go to San Diego on Sunday, but we were worried about being so far away from my medical care team.  So we were looking for something closer.  They told us we were crazy and that we needed to go to San Diego.  They told us they would set it all up for us....explained that they do the same thing for hospice patients that visit Montana.  They would call the closest Hospice center to us in San Diego and have them meet us at the airport with a wheelchair and anything else we need.  My hospice people would give them my records (with my permission of course) and be prepared to treat and take care of me in San Diego for all little or big problems.  WOW!!!!!!!!!!  I had no idea they did this.  So AWESOME!  I feel blessed.  I was perfectly happy to go anywhere with a beach, BUT hello San Diego - keepin' it real.....it's The Hotel del Coronado - DREAMY -  DREAMY -  DREAMY........ I can't believe it.

Let's just say my sister is the bomb.com

     So I woke up this morning and I wasn't sore from my dancing and my sleeping pills worked GREAT!!!!  How cool is that.  Carlie had a great morning of Orchestra camp (she is getting so good) & Berkeley is progressing in swim class.  My sister & I took the kids swimming at Splash Montana this afternoon.  It is a great local water park with 3 slides, a lazy river, and a huge baby pool, kids pool, and old school lap pool.  Wore the kids and the moms out & have been home ever since relaxing.  

Some AMAZING women from my church also brought over the yummiest quinoa enchiladas for dinner (they are such thoughtful and fantastic ladies...and man can they cook).
I had some horrific pain on Monday night, but since then I have had  it under control for the most part.  I am not saying there is no pain, I just have kept it at a 5 or below.
I am feeling blessed that I have such wonderful friends and family that are going out of their way to serve me, entertain me, nurture my family, etc.  Some of them are doing HUGE outwardly noticeable things and some are doing behind the scenes things that I only notice.  I am so beyond thankful for IT ALL.  I know that my last few months on this earth that people are going to bust their butts to make me as comfortable and happy as possible.  How much better can it get in this crappy of all crap-ola circumstance?  
I am blessed.

Peace Out!
Gina the Awesome

Happy Father's Day...See ya Soon

 I usually hate Father's Day. I haven't liked it since 1997.  I had one of the best dad's possible and he was taken early from us by the devil cancer - melanoma (a particularly nasty one).  This cancer just absolutely horrifying.
But, I find this year I have quite a different attitude.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss him terribly.   
This year I understand my dad a bit more.   I am in his shoes now.  This is my last Father's day.  I will not get another Mother's Day.  Heck, I am not sure I will make it to my daughter's 12 birthday on September 19th.
  So here I am reflecting on the fact that these important (to me) holidays are over and this gets me weepy.  No more fun, family traditions.  BUT, now I realize that I will be seeing some of my very favorite people soon.  My dad, grandpa & grandma Jolley, granny, Aunt Trish, etc.....etc.....I PRAY that these relatives and other friends and relatives will be there to greet me because I am going to be one BIG HOT MESS.  Everyone thinks I am so strong.. Boy, are they wrong.  I have no choice.  Either keep it together or fall apart.  Falling apart doesn't do anyone any good.  For some reason my Heavenly Father has decided I am more needed in heaven than on earth.  WHY!!  WHY!!   WHY??    Honestly I am still angry about it, but I hope to be able to understand the purpose someday.   

Last night I had a really bad night of pain.  We finally got it under control.  But, this meant in the morning I had a MAJOR medication hangover.  I could not keep my eyes open.  I was hoping to write this post last night, but I failed.  Oh, well.  Blame it on the Stage 1V :)  That is one good thing about cancer.  When you totally flake or fail at something you have a pretty good reason.

So since this is my last Father's Day I am going to post a bunch of pics of one of the greatest men EVER!!!!

 

                                             
Today I took the kids to the new shaved ice place (finally it is open) and it was delicious!!!  Kinda a mellow excursion, but it was fun.  We also met our friends Rebecca and Leah there.