One Week Update & Some of the Tests are In

     It has been one week since I had surgery to remove my right breast.  I had surgery on Thursday morning and everything went well.  I stayed in the hospital overnight and elected to go home early Friday night.  I could have stayed another night - my surgeon said it was completely up to me (he is so nice).  They took great care of me in the hospital, but I was sharing a room and the bed wasn't very comfortable.  I wanted to go home to my cozy bed where I could truly relax and be around my little family.  I was told many times before my surgery that it wasn't a very painful surgery and I had a really hard time believing it.  But, it is true.  It has not been very painful.  Don't get me wrong - there is pain and it is uncomfortable and extremely emotionally disturbing (more on that later), BUT not that painful; especially compared to other surgeries I have had.  The biggest pain comes from the lymph node biopsy.  My armpit and back of my upper arm/shoulder are completely numb.  I have only one drain (I was told I would have 2), but oh my it is the most uncomfortable thing.  It is kinda gross to see fluids draining out of you and to have to empty the drain.  But, the worst part is it hurts and it keeps getting clogged.  Thank goodness that I have a kind husband who is really good at unclogging my drain.  I am hopeful that they will remove it tomorrow at my follow-up appointment with my surgeon.
     Not much had happened since I had my surgery.  I lay around and watch TV (thank you Netflix and Hulu+).  I have gotten on a horrible schedule where I can't sleep at night and I sleep all day.  I am slowly reducing my use of my pain pills.  I have not left my house.  I have worn a nightgown all week, haven't put on makeup or done my hair.  My mom takes great care of me and has been making me yummy food while taking care of my kids and doing all my housework.  My kids have been super sweet, but they are definitely off.  Carlie keeps praying that I can get a new breast soon and Berkeley avoids me a lot.  Carlie has been extra sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat.  My husband is so supportive, he is my rock.
     I have not cried at all this past week.  This is super strange since I am quite a cry-baby.  I have teared up a few times, but I am too tired to have a good cry or I am avoiding it (not sure which one it is).
     This past Saturday was the day I was supposed to shower and see my new body.  I avoided it all day and finally mustered up the strength to do it that night.  I sat on a stool in my bathroom for a VERY long time.....I was too afraid to look.  I also felt horribly nauseous and felt like I was going to pass out.  I kicked my husband out of the bathroom and told him I wanted to do it alone. After I sat in the bathroom alone I told him to come back, that I needed him. I finally did do it with the help of my sweet husband.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it is pretty terrible. It didn't feel like I was looking at myself.  I felt removed from my body as if I was looking at someone else. I didn't cry, didn't allow myself to feel anything - just thought I was going to pass out.  I didn't look at myself very long.  I took a quick shower and then I passed out on my bed.
On Wednesday I talked with my surgeon....some of the test results were back.  Here they are:
- All the margins were negative (they cut all of it out)
- He said the mastectomy was the right choice.  He said he couldn't believe how invasive and wide-spread the cancer was.  He can't believe that we couldn't feel the tumor.  He said the tumor on the right side of my breast was 3.5 cm.  He said the DCIS was all over the outer regions of my breast.  He said both tumor regions were invasive.
- They took out 5 lymph nodes (2 of them were sentinel).  There is metastic disease in 2 of them.  This is very bad news.  This means the cancer is spreading beyond my now missing breast.  This part is scary to me.
- He said the tumor did respond the hormones estrogen and progestrone which means I am a candidate for hormone therapy.
- I will be doing chemo for sure.  Not sure what type yet.  They are waiting on the Her-2 results.  The levels of this will determine what type of chemotherapy.
- He said I might have to do radiation too

     I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow with my surgeon.  He said he has copies of all the test results for me and they will set up my first oncology appointment for me where I will find out much more about this crappy road I have found myself on.  I was really hoping that it had not spread to the lymph nodes and that my treatment would be mild, but it looks as if this is not going to be the case.
     Through all my trials in my life I have learned the hard way to not pray for my problems to go away, but to pray for strength to endure them.  I am praying for strength and oh boy I am going to need it.  I like to think of myself as a tough girl who can do anything....but this one is throwing me for a loop.  I am realizing that I can't do it alone. I am kind of angry right now that this is happening and have been trying to avoid the reality of it all.  I have been trying to build up the strength to blog about this all week and I haven't because again I am trying to avoid it.  If I don't think about it or dwell on it then it is not really happening.  So here I am blogging....it is my therapy.  It is making me feel better to process all that I am feeling and all that is happening.

     I need to buy a lot of thank you cards.  Again I am overwhelmed with letters, emails, phone messages, flowers, texts, gifts, banners, cards, care packages, treats, facebook posts/comments, people entertaining my kids, etc.   These gifts; big and small, have been the best medicine.  Thank you so much.....they mean more to me than you can imagine.  I feel loved.
     FYI: I have not felt like having visitors or talking on the phone.  I am slowly coming out of my cave and will start interacting with the world again.  But, until then please do not get your feeling hurt if I have not responded to your message/note/phone call.

 It has been a rough week.  Being faced with my own mortality again is crushing me.  BUT, I saw this quote below today and it spoke to me.  My world might seem to be crumbling, but I am still so blessed.  

I recently was talking to one of my best friends about some of her problems and I told her to say this whenever she is feeling down. "Hey at least my boob isn't being cut off!".  Pretty good advice don't you think?  :)

 Oh and for inquiring minds.....I have lost 8 lbs since my surgery. 

 Not sure how much of that is boob weight, but kinda interesting :)

Love you all - peace out,

The One Boob Wonder