Staying Strong is EXHAUSTING

I was reading a brochure on breast cancer put out by The American Cancer Society.  It talked about how you will deal with breast cancer in your own way.  It said you might feel angry, hurt, confused, scared, tired, or sad. 
I feel TIRED.  I hadn't realized that I felt tired for that reason until I read that.  Then it all made sense.  I am normally a happy, optimistic person who tries to make the best out of things.  I now feel like it is taking an enormous effort on my part to try to remain that optimistic girl.   It is exhausting to be that strong.  But, I still feel it is SUPER important to choose your attitude.  I am also physically tired because I am not sleeping very well at night.  It takes me hours to fall asleep sometimes and then I toss and turn all night.  I am not scared or freaking out, but I think I am anxious and my mind is spinning.  I am also tired because I am having a difficult time with my arthritis right now.  It has been extra hard to motivate myself to do my daily chores and responsibilities too.  oh boy.......
OK - so enough of my complaining.....
I keep reminding myself that it could be way worse.  That my problems are small compared to so many others around the world.  This doesn't make it any less difficult, but it reminds me that I am still a lucky girl and to remember to be grateful for all the great things in my life.

I am grateful that I am able to go on a trip to California for 8 days right before my surgery. (I will get back the night before my surgery)  It will be good for me to focus on having fun with my family and creating memories; instead of feeling sorry for myself and worrying about things too much.

I am grateful that I have lots of supportive friends and family that are willing to sacrifice for me in my time of need.  That they are willing to build me up with kind words, humor, and service.  I appreciate it more than I can adequately express.  It is amazing how much just a sentence or a simple reaching out to me can boost my strength.  

I am grateful that I have a mother and a mother-in-law that are willing to drop everything to come take care of me through this journey.

I am grateful that my sister is organizing a little group to do the breast cancer walk in Salt Lake City on October 13th.  They are calling themselves Team Awesomeness.  Go to this site if you would like more information, or to join the team, or to donate to the American Cancer Society in the team's name.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=47444&pg=team&team_id=1272706
They are either going to put "Supporting the One Boob Wonder" or "Stop Killer Boobs" on their t-shirts.  I think both slogans are great and they make me smile.  I am not sure which one they ended up picking.......

I am grateful that two of my sister-in-laws took me out for a last fun girl's night before my challenges start.  That was very sweet of them to take me out for some good times.

I am grateful that I married a kind-hearted husband who supports me in all my decisions and loves me unconditionally.  He is also having a very hard time with this, but he has been staying strong for me.

And of course I am grateful for my BEAUTIFUL children that can make me smile even on the worst of days.  Thinking about and fulfilling their needs is a very helpful diversion for me.

So, this past week I met with my breast care coordinator and she told me an overwhelming amount of information.
-  My surgery is officially scheduled for Thursday, October 18th.  I am having a simple/complete right breast mastectomy and a sentinel node biopsy.  I will find out on October 16th what my check-in time will be.  My surgery will be about 2 1/2 hours long. 
- I will have two drains that I will have to empty and track the amount of fluid being drained.  She taught me what to do if one rips out.  She taught me how to know when they are ready to be taken out at the doctor's office.  It is sounding like a most unpleasant job.
- I will stay over-night in the hospital.
- I will take the bandages off on Saturday, October 20th.  That will be a hard day....not sure how I feel about this.
- She gave me a seat belt pillow and an underarm pillow.
- She gave me a camisole with a soft breast insert (I don't think it is big enough - maybe I need two).   The camisole also has pockets for my drains. I will not be able to wear a prosthesis for 6-8 weeks until the scar heals.
- She talked me through everything that would happen on my surgery day - nothing too earth shattering in that since I have already endured 12 surgeries - I am a PRO!
- They want me up and moving around a few days after surgery.  She told me that I can request occupational & physical therapy & scar therapy if I want.
- She gave me a bunch of places that specialize in mastectomy bras and prostheses.  I am not too optimistic on finding something that will not make me feel extremely lopsided.
- She gave me more reading material....kinda overwhelming.
- My follow up appointment with the surgeon will be October 30th.  They should have all the pathology reports in by then.
- I will be referred to oncology immediately to figure out my treatment plan.  I already have an oncologist so I will keep the same one.
- She told me I should go see some plastic surgeons for a consult appointment during treatment.  She said women find this to be a fun appointment because if helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel while you are struggling through treatment.
- She told me so much stuff I do not remember it all.  She was really kind and helpful.  I really like her, but I feel like I am on overload.

I also pre-registered at the hospital for my surgery this past week.  I also got a chest x-ray & blood work done.  I have all my pre-surgery stuff done.  It still does not feel real that this is happening to me though.  This is not like any surgery or health problem I have had before.  This is the hardest one yet and it has just begun.

So please, keep praying and sending me lots of good & powerful vibes.