Why is this??? Why am I unhappy and even angry most of the time???
I am a very organized person. I love to plan. I love to work hard. I love to be very involved in my kids lives and my community. I love to teach. I love to take care of my family. I love to be busy. I love to feel like I am contributing to society. I love to be active. I love to make a difference. I love to do things my way. I love being in charge AND in control.
CANCER HAS TAKEN ALL OF THIS FROM ME. I HAVE LOST CONTROL OVER MY LIFE.
This I think is the root of my problem. I am so isolated from people. I can't take care of my family. I rarely leave my house. When I do leave it is to go to the doctor's office. I lay in bed days on end watching TV and trying to sleep. I am in pain. I feel terrible. I am gaining weight like crazy...all my pants are WAY too tight. I am bald. My belly is all bruised from the painful shots I give myself twice a day. I am cranky. I can't work to help support my family, I have insane hot flashes where I feel like I am melting. I have one boob and I am SO LOPSIDED. This is my reality. I can't do any of those things that made me feel like I was in control and ALIVE. The cancer treatment is in control. My life is on hold for at least a year. I have control over very few things in my life. No matter how great my attitude is, most of my days I am going to feel yucky. No matter how great my attitude is it will not take away the pain. I know that the pain and discomfort and lack of control is part of the journey. I am having a hard time accepting this lack of control.
I know that through prayer, the support of family, friends, and a good attitude I will get through this. I know that I will be given the strength to endure and to win this battle. BUT, yikes this is a crazy tough one. This is a really long one. When I am done with chemo there is still radiation, hormone treatment, reconstructive surgery, and physical therapy, etc....... Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?? Why can't I be one of those people that are super active and lead pretty normal lives while fighting cancer??? I keep thinking....that can be me....I am Wonder Woman. There are days were I will wake up in the morning determined to have a good attitude and accomplish something worthwhile. Then I go take a shower and my good attitude washes away and then I pass out and feel awful the rest of the day.
Some of you are thinking...Gee Whiz Gina......What a WHINER - complain much???? I say....I am trying to KEEP IT REAL and REALITY BITES sometimes.
BUT, don't worry....don't feel sorry for me. Unless feeling sorry for me means you send me chocolate and Dr. Pepper :)
Now that I have gotten that all that garbage off my chest I feel better. I will try to go back to my policy of keeping the whining down to a minimum.
I still have so much to be grateful for. In the wisdom of my grandpa Jolley. I just need to suck it up and smile.
I also need to remember that I do have some control in my life.
I can laugh - give & receive love - pray - be grateful - be hopeful
Today I got up with a pretty good attitude....took a shower...thought I was going to pass out, but pushed through it. I went to my daughter's basketball game and out to lunch. I actually accomplished something. So I guess things are not so bad.......Here is to better days,
Gina - The OBW
Complain and whine all you want. We know you are an oober positive person. We all need an outlet sometimes and if that is on YOUR blog then so be it. It's you being real and honest. You are going through an extremely difficult challenge and handling it amazingly. In the end this blog is you documenting your journey...the good and the crappy. You'll be glad that you have both journaled. You are a ROCKSTAR and the majority of us don't know how you have stayed so positive. You have conquered things I don't think I could have. Take it day by day. Prayers your way every day. Love you!
ReplyDeleteNot saying you can only complain on your blog. I meant it is your blog and you can complain all you want or be positive all you want. :-)
DeleteThanks!! I just wanted to make sure that people didn't think I was some kind of weird Stepford Wife that was always happy & positive.
Deletei appreciate hearing about it all; the good and the bad. try to focus on what you can control and know you have lots of people that are rooting for you and love you. hang in there, and give/get lots and lots of hugs from your cute kids and Corey.
ReplyDeleteThanks!!!
DeleteGina - don't feel guilty for complaining. You genuinely have a lot to complain about. It's not like you are with your family at Walt Disney World and you are unhappy about the weather, and they don't have gluten-free burgers or something crazy like that! Cancer is hard and painful and what that doesn't take from you , chemo does. It may be extremely refreshing for another person out there going through the same thing, to hear your story. We all know how incredibly fabulous you are, and we know that you will not be down for long! Take care and know that we think of you often!
ReplyDeleteThanks you Connie!! This blog post was originally inspired by reading people complain on facebook about pretty minor things and I got annoyed. It got me to thinking about control and whining and the power of a positive attitude.
DeleteI have found some great people online that are going through cancer right now and it is so helpful to know you are not alone.
OH my gosh! If anyone has a right to complain a little bit now and then YOU DO!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI thought I had a terribly hard time when I went thru my cancer, but compared to what you are going thru, I shouldn't have complained at all. I think one of the hardest things right now is not only the pain but if you are like I was, the isolation from people was terrible. I was not allowed out in public at all. I felt like I was in prison at home. Also, compared to what you are going thru right now, the radiation will be easy. It made me really tired at the end, but it only takes about a half hour of your day, and you really don't feel much of anything. I am on HOrmone therapy now and I don't like some of the side affects, but they are much easier to live with than the chemo. Hang in there! The hardest part is almost over! There is an end to it and you are a strong, vibrant person, with lots of people pulling for you!!! This to shall pass!!! Read section 121 in the Doctrine and Covenants. Whenever I felt I just couldn't take anymore, I would read this section and it helped put things back into perspective.
The isolation is awful. It is interesting to me what people have been the most supportive to me too. I have strangers that give me more attention than some of my family members and close friends. I think lots of people don't realize how important they are to a cancer patients recovery. Thanks for all your kind words and support. It is really helpful to me to hear it from someone who knows what it is like. You are an amazing woman and I love you tons. thanks for the scripture reference....very helpful.
DeleteOH my gosh! If anyone has a right to complain a little bit now and then YOU DO!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI thought I had a terribly hard time when I went thru my cancer, but compared to what you are going thru, I shouldn't have complained at all. I think one of the hardest things right now is not only the pain but if you are like I was, the isolation from people was terrible. I was not allowed out in public at all. I felt like I was in prison at home. Also, compared to what you are going thru right now, the radiation will be easy. It made me really tired at the end, but it only takes about a half hour of your day, and you really don't feel much of anything. I am on HOrmone therapy now and I don't like some of the side affects, but they are much easier to live with than the chemo. Hang in there! The hardest part is almost over! There is an end to it and you are a strong, vibrant person, with lots of people pulling for you!!! This to shall pass!!! Read section 121 in the Doctrine and Covenants. Whenever I felt I just couldn't take anymore, I would read this section and it helped put things back into perspective.
Sorry, I meant section 122 although section 121 is good too.
ReplyDeleteOh Gina - Nobody thinks you are whining - but I can kind of understand where you are coming from. It is for that exact reason we haven't sent out a Christmas card letter for 5+ years. I start to write one but then realize I am not a mom who generally takes pictures at the ER or during traumatic times and when I was my worst, I didn't want to write about not being able to get out of bed. As it is, there usually is still one day a week where I am in bed and I HATE myself on those days b/c I can hear Libby wanting me, tantrums, etc. But if I don't give my body that rest, I can't be a mom the other 6 days.
ReplyDeleteI was writing the intro to my new blog (which hopefully will someday be up - I am switching to Wordpress, etc.), and was writing our story for the past 6 years. The two years before Libby was born were dark. I could not get out of bed period. It felt like life just went on and I was forgotten (besides being in immense pain and pain pills not doing anything). We never really shared with anyone just how bad it was b/c I did not have a dx back then and felt stupid. I could not even manage to get dressed and I think you said this in your post (the ONLY time I left the house was to see a doctor. When I finally told a dr that they realized how sick I was.
I am not comparing my illness to yours - I have no idea what cancer or a mastectomy is like but I do know that you sharing this post and what chronic acute illness really feels like is going to help a lot of people. I felt 100% alone. My hope for my blog is that I can be completely real on their about what it is like to have 2 severe special needs kids so that my words might help somebody else. There was a point early on that I felt we must be the strangest family alive and then I stumbled upon a library book that talked about some of our issues and I felt less alone.
So complain away - it makes you human!!! And I totally hear you about the control thing, sometimes I think that Heavenly Father has had to literally bring me to my knees to remind me I am not in control.
Last thing - I will not go into my personal issues but I think it is good for our kids to see that we are not supermom. They need to see us have bad days along with the good - that is part of being human.
Love ya tons,
Amy
we really do need to talk Amy. I am really happy you are putting together a blog. I have so much to say to you in response I do not even know where to start. I LOVE you guys. Let's talk soon......
DeleteThank you so much for this post! It was really an answer to my prayers. I know I can't relate to what you are going through, but there have been a lot of moments lately where I have struggled having the positive attitude I felt like I should have and would LIKE to have. I think it is perfectly fine to acknowledge that sometimes life is hard, painful or just not fun..but the key is our direction. You have great faith and perspective. You are in my prayers and thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThank you Ariel. This blog post really helped me sort through all my issues and feelings. I am glad it was helpful to you.
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